i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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