When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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