He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just had sex on a roof
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
