All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
