speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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