you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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