i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
