nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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