I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're so nebulous sometimes
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
