Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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