I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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