I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
