I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
