Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
