Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
