In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
