Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My feet surprised me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
