I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
