Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
