my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
