He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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