oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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