She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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