mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
