Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
