what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
