I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
