i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
