I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
