highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
