could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
