we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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