I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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