Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
