And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
