Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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