when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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