at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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