just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
