I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
