I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We don't watch enough power rangers
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
