who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
