i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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