i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
