Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
