The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
