Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
