Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
