he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?