life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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