The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
