I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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