my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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