in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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