im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
