i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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