I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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