At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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