Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
